Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Am I Worthy ... ?

Whenever something great happens to me, there's always that niggling thought. Am I worthy?

Well this week, I got a promotion at work. WAAAAAHOOOOOOO!!!! It's been in the works for about five months now. I'm so so so so so so so so happy that it finally went through. But I still can't help but wonder, do I deserve this? Am I really smart or skilled enough to be paid for what I do all day? What if one day they realize I'm not worth it and they just get rid of me?

I guess it comes down to the notion that I still don't feel like an official adult. For one, I still get scared of the dark sometimes. Or wake up from a nightmare and can't fall back asleep because...


Just last night I dreamt that a tsunami was coming and my plan was to dive head first into the 50-foot wave and try to swim. Yeah, smart move.

I also feel like there's still so much that I don't know about the world. Maybe other people just pretend to know what they're talking about. Maybe no one knows as much as they act like they know. Maybe everyone else is just as clueless as I feel sometimes.

I guess it comes down to that when I was a kid, being an adult seemed so different than what it's actually like. I'm 27, and I still feel like the kid I was in high school. Unsure of herself, afraid of what other people think, constantly checking to make sure I don't have food in my teeth or pantylines showing, wondering if my breath stinks or if I should exercise more.

Adults always seemed to know what to do. They were so responsible and busy and made so much money. But now that I've been an adult for almost 10 years, I now realize that no matter how old you are, those insecurities never truly go away.

Do you still feel like a naive kid trying to wear big girl/boy pants? Or do you feel totally worthy of your adult title, ready to tackle any day with a cup of coffee and a detailed plan of attack? Or maybe, being insecure and humble is the way we should go through life so that we can appreciate every day?

What has happened in your life to make you question whether you're worthy?

1 comment:

Adam Heine said...

I'm with you. My mom taught me that "being an adult" is a mask you put on for other people.

Obligatory xkcd reference.